You often hear about love around you, whether that means your friend recently got a partner, you made new lovable friends, or even that your parents express their love for you, through words, physical affection or cutting fruit. However, as much as we hear about love and being loved, it begs the question: can love be guaranteed? This article will discuss the different types of relationships you can have and whether love would be required.
Love, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is “an intense feeling of deep affection” or “a great interest and pleasure in something.” Yet, some believe love is a feeling of security and safety within a relationship. Others think that love is not necessarily a feeling, but a state of being that you need to practice expressing, through showing kindness, empathy and assurance. Even smaller actions, such as offering your friend your jacket or half of your granola bar, express our love and care.
Like most feelings and states of beings, love cannot be forced and may not last. A common example is in friend groups, where you may be close to 4 out of 5 members, and then there is one odd man out. You can try to love them as much as the others, but you sacrifice your authenticity and values for a futile effort. Another instance is within arranged marriages. Many, if not the majority, get married and have children due to social pressure. Numerous people still ask their parents to set them up in hopes of a Prince Charming ending, and frequently, the realization about their future sets in only when it is too late. There is this odd expectation that you will eventually fall in love, but love cannot be built the same way trust, confidence and tolerance can.
We have established that love is not a choice, though it often feels like an expectation. Now, comes a bigger question: are parents obligated to love their children? When a mother gives birth, she is expected to immediately fall in love with the infant she just birthed. However, postpartum depression affects 1 in 7 mothers, according to the National Library of Medicine, and a common symptom is difficulty bonding with and loving the child. This goes untreated in approximately 50% of cases because of the guilt the mother feels, which supports the idea of love being involuntary. Another instance of a parent not loving their child may be when an adult takes in a child from a late relative, rather than allowing the child to go through the foster care system. It is not necessarily negative for a parental figure to not love their child, so long as they care for and make them feel loved.
But, do children also have to love their parents? In Asia, it is more important to prioritize the opinions of your parents over your own and to respect and care for them above all else. In Hinduism, care and respect for one's parents is considered a dharma, or a “right way of living.” In Confucianism, filial piety refers to obedience, respect, and care for one’s family members, particularly parents and the elderly. In contrast, Western culture tends to be more individualistic. While it is normalized to tolerate mistreatment in Asian cultures and to adhere to all parental wishes, the West allows for more personal freedom. Overall, the expectations of love differ between cultures, and although many believe love for parents should be unconditional, this may be harmful rhetoric.
To conclude, love cannot be an obligation or guarantee when love is not a task or an active choice. Love is a state of being or feeling that can be seen as an expectation in many personal relationships, but that is not a true requirement of any.